Resentment and Gratitude
Resentment—we’ve all been there. It has a way of sneaking into our relationships, especially with family. Why? Because family is often where we spend a lot of time, and let’s be honest, they know how to get under our skin like no one else.
With the holidays coming at warp speed, you’re probably gearing up to see family and friends—and maybe, just maybe, some of those relationships feel a little complicated. So let’s talk about loosening the grip on resentment and maybe finding something better to hold on to this season.
The Trash You Don’t Need
Paul gives us a pretty solid reminder in his letter to the Ephesians:
Ephesians 4:31–32
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Okay, picture this: you’ve just bagged up the trash. You walk it outside, toss it in the bin, and close the lid. Do you stand there holding the bin? Cuddle up next to it? Of course not. That’s nasty. You get rid of it because… it’s trash.
Paul is saying, Take out the trash.
Bitterness, rage, anger, gossip, pettiness—it’s all garbage that doesn’t belong in your life.
And listen, I know it’s easy to read that list and think, Well, I’m not brawling in the streets or anything, but if we’re honest, the trash in our lives can look a little more subtle.
Road rage.
Snarky comments.
Gossip that feels like “just venting.”
Little acts of sabotage (even if it’s just rolling your eyes behind someone’s back).
Unfortunately, resentment doesn’t just stop there. It loves to settle in and stay awhile. The grudges we hold? The memories we replay on a loop? That’s resentment living rent-free in our heads.
Why It’s So Hard to Let Go
Here’s the thing: we’re wired to protect ourselves. When someone hurts us, our brains light up like, Danger! Log this for later! It’s a survival mechanism, and honestly, it’s kind of impressive. But it also makes letting go really hard.
Carrying resentment feels like protecting yourself, but it’s really like hauling a stanky trash bag everywhere you go. It’s heavy. It’s gross. And it’s not actually helping you.
Let me be super clear—letting go of resentment does not mean letting go of boundaries. Boundaries are the real MVPs here because they protect you way better than resentment ever could.
So how do you set boundaries during the holidays without going full-on Grinch?
Speak up: Say what’s bothering you out loud, but remember—tact goes a loooooooooong way.
Set expectations: What’s okay and what’s not? Whether it’s avoiding certain topics or enforcing time limits, be clear.
Enforce your boundaries: If someone crosses the line, that doesn’t mean your boundary was wrong—it might just mean you need to reinforce it. Boundaries aren’t mean; they’re healthy.
What to Do Instead
Alright, you’ve taken the trash out. Now what? Paul gives us another gem in Philippians:
Philippians 4:8And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
Here’s the big idea: resentment shrinks when we focus our attention on the good stuff….
For me, the easiest path to all of these is gratitude. So let’s break these down with that lens:
Whatever is true: Resentment feeds on “what ifs” and hypotheticals. Gratitude grounds you in what’s real and present.
“They might say something rude.” Maybe, but why stew on it now? Deal with it if it happens.
Whatever is noble: Gratitude shifts your focus to what inspires and lifts you up.
Whatever is right: You can’t control other people’s actions, but you can choose to do what’s right.
Whatever is pure: Remember who God is shaping you to be, and lean into that.
Whatever is lovely: Find beauty in small moments, and take a moments feel grateful. (Yes, even in the chaos of family gatherings.)
Whatever is admirable: Gratitude redirects your focus to what’s worth respecting and celebrating.
When Gratitude Feels Hard
Let’s be honest—sometimes gratitude is the last thing you want to feel. Resentment feels easier, especially when it seems justified. But here’s the deal: you don’t have to muster up gratitude on your own. God’s Spirit works in us to create what we can’t produce ourselves.
Even a one-word prayer like, “Help,” is enough.
This holiday season, instead of holding onto resentment, try fixing your thoughts on what’s good and worthy of praise. It won’t be perfect, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t perfection; it’s progress.
Your Turn:
What’s one piece of “trash” you’re still holding onto? What’s one step you can take this week to let it go?
Next Week:
Throughout December we’re going to look at the UNDERDOGS in the Christmas story. They may not have a big part in the story- but that doesn’t mean they don’t have a story to tell! Excited to get into it next week!
