Jesus For Forgiveness
Everyone, at some point, faces the pain of another’s actions. The spectrum of hurt we face is as wide as it gets—everything from small annoyances to life-altering, heart-shattering moments.
Let’s be clear right from the start—you don’t need anyone’s permission to feel hurt. Too often, we hold back from embracing our feelings because the people around us don’t validate them.
Someone doesn’t have to admit they’ve hurt you for you to feel hurt.
Others don’t need to agree with your feelings for them to be real.
The offense doesn’t even have to be intentional for it to still sting.
And honestly... you don’t even need your own permission to feel hurt. It doesn’t have to be logical or make perfect sense. If you feel hurt, it’s real. You need to process it, because stuffing it down fixes nothing.
This is where forgiveness starts—with hurt. Before forgiveness can even be on the table, an offense has to happen. So let’s start by asking a few important questions:
Are there people in your life you just can’t seem to forgive?
People you don’t even want to forgive?
Are their instances when you shouldn’t forgive?
Let’s get into it…
What forgiveness isn’t
Forgiveness is… complicated. Over the years, I’ve had countless conversations about this topic. The settings have ranged from one-on-one counseling to speaking in front of large groups. I’ve noticed a trend: most of the conversation is about what forgiveness isn’t. This is the barrier that gets in the way, the hurdle that feels just a little too high, the line where we dig our heels in—and the lies that keep us from finding peace. So, let’s start here, with what forgiveness isn’t.
The lie of “Okay”
Imagine these scenarios with me.
You’re walking into a store right behind someone, and they let go of the door—it closes right on you.
You’re at a restaurant, and the waiter switches your plate with your friend’s.
Someone leaves the toilet seat up.
A stranger steps on your foot in a crowded place.
Your mom calls you by your sibling’s name for the 476,987,467th time*.
In each of these moments, someone might say a simple “Sorry!” And how do we respond the majority of the time?
That’s okay!
It’s automatic, right? But what happens when the offense is more significant?When someone says something flippant without considering your feelings.
When someone says something hurtful without considering your feelings.
When someone makes a decision that negatively impacts you.
When someone repeats a past offense they promised not to.
How do we respond then?
That’s okay!
But is it?
Here’s the problem: as the offenses become bigger (and bigger, and BIGGER) we might still respond the same way we do to a harmless mistake. This is why it’s so easy to fall into the trap of believing that forgiveness is just about giving someone a pass.
Most of the time, when forgiveness enters the chat, what happened is not 'okay.' Saying it’s okay can blur boundaries or even imply that hurtful behavior is acceptable.
In our home, we say, “Thank you for apologizing.” It acknowledges the effort to make things right without pretending everything is fine. This small but powerful shift makes it clear: forgiveness doesn’t mean giving someone a pass.
Let’s take a look at something else forgiveness isn’t.
The lie of forgetting
We’ve all heard the phrase, "forgive and forget." But that’s not realistic—or healthy. Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending the hurt never happened or acting like it didn’t leave a mark. In fact, remembering can be valuable. It teaches us to set boundaries and protect ourselves from future hurt.
"Forgive and forget" can trap us in a cycle of unhealthy patterns, shaping our future to look like our past.
Let’s consider the story of Joseph in Genesis 37-50. Joseph experienced unbelievable hardships caused by the hateful actions of his brothers.
Ultimately, Joseph chooses to forgive his brothers and reconciles their relationships. Years later, the topic of his brothers' offenses resurfaces, and his brothers fear that Joseph will finally retaliate. This is what we need to pay attention to: Joseph’s response wasn’t “that’s okay!” or “I’ve forgotten all about it!” No, Joseph fully acknowledges the offenses while also pointing to God and His provision.
Genesis 50:19-20
“Don’t be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you? You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.”
My hope is that your hurts would become distant memories that rarely come to your mind, but the end goal of forgiveness is not forgetting.
The lie of trust
Forgiving someone does not have to be a reinstatement of trust. These are two completely different choices and processes.
Trust is something that is built and often rebuilt in the face of sinful behavior. If someone erodes your trust, forgiving them doesn’t mean you automatically have to trust them again.
When Jesus was arrested and tried, Peter abandoned Him, denying His relationship with Jesus three times.
John 18:25
“You are not also one of His disciples, are you?”
He denied it and said, “I am not!”
When Jesus was risen from the dead, He asks Peter three times if he loves Him.
John 21:16
Jesus repeated the question: “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
“Yes, Lord,” Peter said, “you know I love you.”
Three times Peter denied Jesus, and three times Jesus rebuilds trust. In this instance, this rebuilding of trust was for Peter and not Jesus. Jesus (because He was Jesus) already knew He could trust Peter, but Peter needed to know this too.
When trust is eroded, it has to be rebuilt.
My prayer is that you would rebuild trust in the important relationships in your life- but don’t forget, forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you trust them.
The lie of reconciliation
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to reconcile the relationship. You don’t have to stay in or return to a relationship or community with someone. This is especially true when:
Reconciliation puts you in an unsafe environment, mentally or physically.
There is an ongoing pattern of hurtful behavior.
There’s no desire or benefit to returning to that relationship.
Forgiveness does not mean you can’t have appropriate boundaries. My favorite definition of boundaries is “the distance that I can love you and me at the same time.” Sometimes that distance needs to be farrrrrrrrrrr away.
King Saul, the first king of Israel, desired to kill his successor, David. David, even though he had the opportunity to exact revenge on Saul, chose not to.
1 Samuel 24:8-22
“May the Lord judge between us. Perhaps the Lord will punish you for what you are trying to do to me, but I will never harm you.”
We can see that David has released the offense and handed it to God, but they did not reconcile their relationship.
Forgiving someone should not depend on your desire for reconciliation.
My hope for you is that God would reveal where reconciliation is His desire for you, and where it isn’t.
The lie of needing an apology
Many say, “They haven’t asked for forgiveness, so why should I forgive them?”
Not everyone will apologize or admit wrongdoing. If you wait for an apology, you might wait a lifetime.
Romans 12:18:
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."
As far as it depends on you.
You can’t control anyone else, but we do need to do the work that depends on us, and this includes forgiveness.
I recently heard a beautiful story of a woman who made the difficult decision to forgive her father for past hurts. To her great surprise, decades later, her father came to her to humbly apologize and ask for her forgiveness. She was able to look back at him and say, “I already have.”
As she told this story, a particular situation popped into my head, and I thought to myself, “I wish they would apologize”—and in that moment, I could hear God’s voice in my ear whispering, “Do you need their apology, or do you need Me?”
Ephesians 4:31-32
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
My prayer for you is that you would find peace, even if others choose not to acknowledge the hurt they’ve caused.
What Forgiveness Is
We could list countless verses from both the Jewish and Christian scriptures that tell us what forgiveness is. I could offer endless analogies for forgiveness**. But the ultimate definition comes not in words but in the actions of Jesus.
He took on every one of our offenses and carried the weight of each of our sins on the cross and paid the price for them all.
Was this difficult for Jesus? Absolutely. The price He paid was beyond our comprehension—not only His brutal death but the fact that He had to be ripped from Himself as the Father turned His face away.
Jesus fully understands the pain that comes with the actions of others. You are not alone in the hurts you’ve experienced. And just as you aren’t alone in your hurt, you are not alone as you do the difficult task of forgiving.
Imagine trying to find your way through a rugged wilderness alone. You’d be lost and alone without hope of a way through.
But what if you had a guide who knew the way through?
Jesus knows the way through the wilderness of hurt because He’s been there too and can guide us to the oasis that is forgiveness. You don’t have to know your way out, because He does.
Matthew 11:28-29
“Then Jesus said, ‘Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.’”
What Forgiving Others Can Do in Our Lives
Forgiveness is Freedom
This may seem selfish and even odd, but in a very practical sense, the forgiveness we’re called to offer others is for us. Not that there isn’t a benefit to others, but forgiveness is the key to the cage that our hurts can leave us trapped in.
Forgiveness is About Your Future, Not Your Past
When we refuse to forgive others—or even ourselves—we put our hurts in the driver’s seat of our future. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want the hurts of my past to dictate the trajectory of my future. This includes the hurts that I’ve caused myself and others.
Forgiveness allows us to forge a new future and live out the unique purpose that God has placed in each of our lives.
Forgiveness Changes Your Heart
Hurt causes us to harden our hearts. This is such a natural and logical response to the pain we experience. We guard ourselves to keep from being hurt again. But… this hardening also keeps us from loving and living life to the fullest.
Forgiveness helps us to soften our hearts, allows us to show grace to others more readily, and love others the way that Jesus has loved us.
How to Forgive
Forgiveness is a process. Sometimes, it comes easily. Other times, it takes layers of healing. The depth of the hurt often dictates how difficult forgiveness will be. But hurt, no matter how deep, is the sign that forgiveness needs to enter the conversation—not the measure of the offense.
Here’s Where We Start:
Acknowledge the hurt you’re experiencing.
Pretending like you’re “unbothered” can seem like strength and resilience, but it isn’t. Even if just to yourself, you need to acknowledge the hurt. You do not need anyone's permission to feel hurt. But don’t just feel it...Take it to God.
Pray for a softened heart, for wisdom, and for the strength to forgive. Pray that He reveals the layers of the hurt so you can unload those hurts at His feet.Release the hurts that you’re holding.
Hurt is like a boulder that’s been handed to you. Choosing not to forgive is choosing to continue carrying that boulder. If you don’t want to carry something, you have to set it down—and not pick it back up.
The Path to Healing
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, excusing, or reconciling. It’s about freeing yourself from the weight of hurt. It’s about moving forward, not being held back by the past. It’s about pointing others to Jesus and stepping into the freedom He offers.
So today, if you’re holding on to hurt, consider the key you’re holding. Will you use it to open the door and step into freedom?
Colossians 3:12-13
Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
Looking forward
Thanks for reading! Next week I’m going to kick off a series of blogs called “Your Joy is Invalid” where we’re going to dig into what joy truly is and how we can foster and protect it. I know it’s going to be a blessing for all of us! See you next week!
Side Notes:
*I just respond to my sisters name at this point… sorry mom.
** Okay, let me tell you my favorite analogy. Imagine something you don’t want to hold… like one of those naked cat’s. If you don’t want to hold a cat, you have to put it down. But so often what we do is carry around our hurts and holding them up as if to say “look at this ugly cat you gave me!” You don’t have to carry around the feline version of a naked mole rat to prove a point- you can put it down.
Side-side note:
I’ve actually met a sphinx cat, it was actually a really sweet animal… but my analogy holds up… I do not want to walk around carrying a cat that looks like a hand.
